Everyone’s relationship with sex is different…” explains psychotherapist Nicholas Rose. “Sex can be about pleasure, connection, self-affirmation, and relaxation. Going out to find sex can be about excitement, fun, and socialising.”

“Today’s culture is about instant gratification, an abundant array of hook-up apps, the presentation of gay relationships as both ‘normal’ and ‘acceptable’, the arrival of Civil Partnerships and then marriage, and the easy availability of porn…” explains psychotherapist Martin Weaver. “Today’s culture is about fast-delivery sex with few complications as a ‘right’ – or at least as normal. Guys – particularly younger guys – may be feeling ‘cheated’ out of the sex that they feel that they are entitled to have.”

“Sex is one our most basic and powerful drives – it’s partly the reason we’re the most successful animals on the planet…” continues Weaver. “Even when the penalty for sexual activity is death, some people will take that risk – some because it’s a statement against a repressive regime and others because the act of rebelling along with the very real risk generates excitement in itself.”

The need for sexual satisfaction

“Only you can know if you are sexually satisfied…” says Rose. “If you’re relying on masturbation and it’s not satisfying, then look for new ways to improve your experience. For a start put ‘new ways to masturbate’ into Google and see if there’s anything you can learn there. Talk to your friends. Buy sex toys – think of all those things that have occurred to you in the past but you didn’t follow up – now’s a great time to expand your repertoire. Ask yourself, just how good are you at appreciating your own body? It’s all too common for us to spend so much time worrying about how others perceive our bodies we can forget that the only person’s opinion that really matters is our own.”

“The Incel movement in the US is a warning to us all…” adds Weaver. “Incels have morphed from the early 90s as anxious young men nervous of talking to women and forming sexual relationships, to today – men who pollute their online forums with posts blaming women for their sexless lives. Such is the anger of these men that a few turn to guns and their cars to vent their rage on women. However, that’s the extreme. For most people, a lack of sexual expression can be cause for depression and low self-esteem.

Marc Peridis – a Tantra specialist who focuses on unlocking the power of the orgasm – has found a growing demand for his courses and workshops from men around the world looking to re-think their relationship with masturbation and self-pleasure.

“During the coronavirus pandemic, the need for online content became even more apparent. I started to work online a lot more. As I was working online, I was recording the sessions I was teaching. There was an interest in the videos that I was creating, and I also found that there were other people out there doing similar work and with similar interests and philosophies. We were united by our desire to make adult content that could be arousing and exciting but also educational, inspiring, and elevating. We’ve now published a library of instructional courses and workshops on OrgasmicMen.com – it’s the ideal starting point for anyone wanting to elevate their sexual practice.”

Is masturbation the answer?

“It is possible to masturbate too much…” says Weaver. “When masturbation gets in the way of everything else, it becomes an addiction. When masturbation takes the place of family, friends, or relationships, then that’s a warning sign that things need to change. You need to talk to someone about it.”

One of the instructors featured on OrgasmicMen.com is Taoist Artie. Artie specialises in Lingam Massage – a Tantra technique that focuses on the cock. Lingam Massage can really help you re-think some of your learned behaviours around masturbation.

How do I boost my sex life?

Take a step back and think about what you want from sex. Your sex-life requires a combination of accessibility, availability, and desire.

• Desire: What is it that you’re seeking? Sexual release in the form of orgasm? Intimacy? Physical excitement? Pleasure? An emotional connection? This determines whether you use porn, an app to hook-up, tantra, or look for ways to connect with people who share your values and beliefs with whom a relationship can be built.
• Accessibility: Are you going to places where people meet? Are you using the technology to chat with guys on hook-up and dating apps?
• Availability: Do the people that you want to talk to want to talk to you? Frustration can increase markedly if you are chasing people who don’t want to talk to you. If people are ignoring you, disrespecting you, or being abusive then move on.

What makes great sex?

What have made some of your most memorable encounters so good?

We caught up with Chet – a reader of Means Happy – to talk about sex and his experiences of anal sex.

Who was the first guy that fucked you?

He was my college boyfriend.

We were house-sitting for some of my friends. and that’s when we took the plunge, so to speak, into anal sex. It was a mutual thing.

Was the reality of getting fucked for the first time anything like what you’d imagined it would be?

It was very exciting for me to finally bottom. I’m not sure my boyfriend was really interested in topping much, but I enjoyed it.

What sort of signals does your body give you when you know that you want to get fucked?

Recently it’s all been visual triggers — if there’s something distinctively masculine about a guy, it catches my attention and focuses my mind on giving up my ass. There’s an almost automatic reaction, I start stroking my nipples and that starts a cascade of horniness.

What makes a great fuck as opposed to just an okay fuck?

Bigger. More aggressive. More physical. A long time from start to finish. Muscle failure. Pig behaviour. Verbal. Restraints. Public. Multiple guys.

Getting a good start is also important — my hole getting some teasing with a tongue.

Spicing things up with uniforms or toys is good. I like wearing a jock — I like being fucked in a jock.

Two of my most memorable fucks were spontaneous fucks. Spontaneous is good.

I met Enrique when we were stationed together. I was 26 and he was 38. I was seeing a man and he was seeing a woman, but I fell for his tall muscular Latino everything and he appreciated my slim runner’s build. Our weight difference was probably 50 pounds — I was about 150 pounds and he was about 200 pounds. We met in the parking lot of an adult bookstore. I wore a civilian top, but still had on my trousers and boots. I followed him home. When we got there we each chugged a beer and he put on his trousers and boots too. Then he had me pull my trousers down just low enough to make my hole available. He pulled his massive cock out through his fly, lubed it up, and then nailed me standing up and pressed against the wall. He was an aggressive brutal fucker that I couldn’t get enough of.

Cliff and his boyfriend were seeking a third guy on Pride Weekend. I think I was the third or fourth third guy they’d shared that day. I showed up after duty and both of them fucked me and bred me. Both guys were well built — the boyfriend was nicely hung and Cliff was like a fleshy beer can. The next couple of times we got together, it was always a group and it was one or two bottoms and four or five tops. I could run to their place — I’d show up in a pair of nylon running shorts and a tank top. The tank top would be used to restrain my wrists. What I really liked about these parties was how they spread my legs open to keep my hole exposed and vulnerable. That drove me wild.

What hints or tips would you give to a younger guy who was thinking about exploring anal sex?

Do your homework. There’s a lot more information available than when I began. Use lots of lube the first few times. Trust your instincts. Know your limits before you play.

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