What are your dating deal-breakers?
Dating is a bit of a numbers game. Whether you’re embracing the technology and using apps such as Gaydar, or if you’re going old-school and hitting the bars or cruising spots, there’s no real science to meeting a guy that’s right for you – it’s a bit of a lottery, you just hope that occasionally your number comes up.
Do you have a bit of an imaginary check-list that you’re assessing guys against when you meet them? Is your first date game-plan pretty much a list of questions that they need to score pretty highly on in order to make it to a second date?
No? Just me?
Here’s some of the questions that I try and drop into the conversation fairly early on in my courtship rituals.
How do you feel about dogs?
I don’t have a dog. I don’t have any imminent plans to get a dog. But I generally find that guys who are into dogs are a bit more laid-back and easy to get on with.
I’m not looking for puppy-play. There’s nothing wrong with that, obviously, but it’s not for me.
It probably wouldn’t be a total deal-breaker if he admitted to being more of a cat-person, but it would put a question mark over our future together.
Isn’t STI testing hilarious!
Health is important. As queer guys, we need to be pretty clued up on the STIs we’re likely to encounter and how to look after our bodies.
I’m not particularly interested in the results of their STI tests, but I want to know that guys that I’m dating are up-to-speed on everything – particularly stuff like U=U and PrEP – and that we’re not going to have to navigate any awkward conversations about HIV stigma.
What song would you like played at your funeral?
Okay, it’s a fairly morbid question, but I like guys who have a bit of a dark sense of humour. Everyone has thought about what they want played at their funeral. My preferred track changes regularly. At the moment, I’m leaning towards Like A Prayer by Madonna – with full gospel choir, obviously.
There’s probably no wrong answer to this question, but if they haven’t thought about it then we’ve possibly got a problem.
What’s your ideal vacation?
I need a guy who likes the beach, and likes swimming, and doesn’t mind if I occasionally take a bit of time out and just hang by the pool for a while.
I wouldn’t be mad if his ideal vacation was extreme trekking in the Himalayas, just as long as he doesn’t expect me to join him on that expedition.
How do you feel about monogamy?
Some guys are really into monogamy, and that’s totally cool.
I’m not opposed to it, but it can get fairly difficult to sustain. Some broad consensus on the ground-rules is always a good starting point.
I’m pretty calm in a medical emergency, so if if I need to stand by and be ready to stab him with an EpiPen, that’s no problem.
But I’m not brilliant with fussy eaters. When we go out for dinner, I want to try everything. I don’t want an endless discussion about whether the chef washed his hands after touching some peanuts.
Top or bottom?
The deal-breaker isn’t whatever the answer is, the deal-breaker is the question itself. I don’t want a binary discussion about this is what we do or don’t do in bed. I like guys who are up for anything, who want to try new things, and are relaxed enough to understand that sex is fun and a bit of a giggle, not some rigid role-play.